I do not mean that I don't want my kids to "literally" not grow up. Everyone says things to me like that. "Well the alternative is worse!"  I am just having a very hard time this particular school year. My daughter H and my son J recently started middle school and high school respectively (heretofore known as H and J).  For them it was changing schools and moving on to bigger and better things,

But for me... well, I'm still struggling with having a child in high school (how on earth did that happen!) and having my baby start middle school.  My baby, who now won't hold my hand, wave to me when she is with her friends, and says things like ' Mom don't do that!' (I don't even know what I'm doing!!).

Many years ago, BK (Before Kids), people would say things to me like  - time goes so fast when you have kids. I would just nod my head and smile. They were so right! I truly can't believe that they are in middle school and high school now.  I feel a little nauseous when I think that my son is in high school.  I spent many happy years in their elementary school. Volunteering for everything from class parent to chairing committees. 

Now, well, I'm not so wanted in the middle school. They don't know me by name in the office, and there are hundreds of more kids and teachers that I don't feel as connected as I did in elementary school.  Oh yes, and the fact that my daughter doesn't want me around.  

Now high school, well, I'm still trying to figure that one out. I don't even know all of my son's teachers names! Shouldn't I know that! He goes to such an immense school that he is exhausted when he gets home from racing from class to class.  Talk about feeling disconnected! There are several security guards in the lobby who make me sign three different things before they decide if they will let me in. Apparently, they are on their own in high school.  If they are sick and you have to go get them - they come to you. If they need to change something on their schedule - they take care of it themselves. 

Well I'm just not used to that! Excuse me for being a bit of a hovering mom. No, I do not smother my children; however, I like to know what is going on all the time. If there is a change to be made in school - I damn well better be in on it somehow! I understand that my 14 year old son is supposed to start thinking for himself and becoming independent - but - IT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT! 

I truly miss the times when my children were young. Yes - it does go fast, faster than you would ever realize. I feel like just yesterday we were watching Scooby Doo and having a picnic of macaroni and cheese, cookies and grapes on the back lawn.  

I love, love being with my children. I especially miss those days when the three of us would have a whole day together and I would take them to the park and bring lunch and get them ice cream.  I did activities with them like that frequently - I wonder what they remember about those days. I hope that they will have happy memories of their childhoods. I know I do.

My son J, has to be up very early for the high school bus. It comes at 6:55am. Since he started going to preschool at two I have been up with him, prepared him breakfast and made sure he had his lunch and whatever else he needed for the day. He recently said to me "mom - you don't have to get up with me. I can get ready myself." Needless to say I was crushed. It was like the time when he was about seven and said to me " you don't need to lay with me anymore mommy, I can fall asleep without you."

I don't even get to go to the bus stop anymore to take them or meet them. Another sad moment for me. Last year was the end of the bus stops for me. Now that my daughter is in middle school she doesn't want me anywhere near the bus stop (which happens to be our driveway).  I can't even come out to get the paper! "Oh no mom, you can't come out like that!" 

I've watched my baby girl grow and change rapidly over the past few months. She is a beautiful, confident child. I see her on the the edge of little girl/big girl right now. Sometimes she still wants to play with her dolls, and sometimes she just wants to text her friends about boys. I'm lucky to have a good relationship with my children. They both talk to me about whats going on in their lives and sometimes in their friends lives.  I know how important it is to listen to your children and be there for them. 

However - small children, small problems - big kids, big problems. I don't think its wrong or weird to wish my children were little again. Even if it was for one day, or for one hour. Just to have that innocence back. To not have to worry about things like peer pressure (a biggie!), are they going to fit in, who likes this boy or that girl. I sometimes find it difficult to listen to the problems of their friends, but I do it because they want to tell me.  Some of what they tell me is silly, but some of it is serious and scary.  

Don't get me wrong - I am extremely proud of my children and how they are turning out.  I just didn't realize this process, for me, was going to to be so difficult.