No H, there is NO Santa Clause, because the Dutch invented him, or so said her social studies teacher. There is also no more American Girl dolls, Barbie dolls or stuffed animals on her Christmas list.  This year it’s makeup, Justin Beiber perfume and anything from Abercrombie.  God help me, where has my little girl gone?? She’s only 12! Why won’t she brush Julie’s hair anymore??

She has begun to spend more and more time in her room on her phone – texting, face timing and ‘Instagramming’ with her friends.  “She’s separating from you,” my friend says.  “She’s a teenager, what do you expect?” says another. (She’s not a teenager for 5 more months I say!!).

I used to call her my Velcro child because she rarely left my side for long. In fact, she was still my Velcro child until about a year ago – then I noticed she stopped hanging on me every second.  It sort of just happened – in the blink of an eye. She would rather be alone in her room mooning over Justin Beiber or hanging out with her friends. 

I absolutely understand it, having been her age myself.  You just get so used to something and then – boom! – it’s gone and you move into a new stage.  It happens all the time with children, they change and grow everyday, and we want to them to emerge from their childhood cocoons – yet I feel like I didn’t see this coming though.  I got sideswiped by the nasty attitude, the outright bitchiness (yes I said bitch), the excessive “I hate you’s” and “you ruined my life” proclamations that spew from her almost teenage mouth daily.  My sweet (and sometimes not so sweet) little girl is gone. My little girl is gone – period.  She doesn’t call me mommy anymore (too babyish), or walk anywhere near me in public (too embarrassing), and the suggestion of holding hands is met with perfectly plucked raised eyebrows followed by eye rolling.

Don’t get me wrong, I am immensely proud of the woman I see her becoming some day.  She is fiercely proud, smart, shrewd, honest, and honorable.  She is a loyal friend, devoted sister, and beautiful daughter – inside and out. 

I just hope I make through the next 6 years without being committed.

It has been several months since I last wrote on here. Six months to be exact. So much has happened between now and then I almost don't where to begin.  I felt at a loss after the horror at Sandy Hook elementary school in Newtown, CT.  How could I continue to write about the unfairness of my children growing up and leaving me, when 26 little lives will never see their next birthdays.  I felt so devastated for the insurmountable losses suffered by the families, that I couldn't bring myself to feel selfish about my own children.  Yes, I hugged them closer, I stared at them for endless moments when I thought they weren't looking, and every night I still check on them before I go to sleep.  

If I could keep them in a jar and never let them out into to the big bad world, I would. That is not exactly realistic, and we have to let them go, and fly, and learn to be themselves.  I don't have to like it though.  My premise behind this blog is that I am the mama bear, who keeps her children safe and warm. I protect them from predators, the big bad wolf, and anyone or thing that wants to hurt them.  But we can't keep them in a cave under our protection - we send them to school, we let them take the bus, they make plans with kids we don't know and we are somehow supposed to trust them.  They walk around town, or the mall, or hang out at the candy shop.  It is all part of growing up.  We just have to hope and pray that they come home to us safely every night.

Tonight my 11 year old went to her first boy-girl party.  I gave her the " if you feel uncomfortable at any time, text us and we'll come get you right away" speech.  She rolled her eyes and said "mom, we're only in sixth grade! You're too overprotective!"  I told her that that's the way it's going to be for her and her brother until they graduate high school. Deal with it - I love you.

It's 5 PM. Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

At 5:00 I still have to go out five more times today. Pick up, oops forgot my sneakers- drive back to school to get them, drop off, drop off, pick up, pick up. Wait, that's six times. It's unbelievable how much gas I use driving in circles.  From one school to the other and back again. "Mom can you drive D, G  and J home too?" Sure! What's three more kids in my car! Especially when I have exactly 10 minutes to pick up my daughter, but now have to drive home three other kids who have to be somewhere else in 20 minutes. Are you following me yet? 

Every afternoon is a whirlwind of activities, in the suburbs that means driving and carpools. It requires precise timing and ingenuity to get our kids where they have to be, especially if it's at the same time.  We have to be master jugglers - timing homework, snacks, dinner, and (occasional) showers around the various activities that take up our children's afternoons and evenings.  

We all say we don't want to over-schedule our kids, but it just happens. But, they are involved in sports, community service, and theater. They certainly could be doing worse things.  

Best of all in this chaos, they enjoy it. They have chosen their activities, and as their parent I have chosen to support them.  Which means I regularly invest in Mobil and Hess, and sometimes McDonalds. 

I really don't mind driving them around because they really want to be doing what they're doing.  It is exhausting though. Sometimes the thought of getting in my car one more time with a bunch of smelly, screeching kids makes me, well...I've learned to tune them out.  At the end of the day, it's all good. Then we get to wake up and start over again.

When my children are grown will I miss this part of parenting? Probably. 

BOO!

To dress up or to not dress up, that is the question. Are you too cool when you are in sixth grade to dress up for Halloween? Or are you still considered a little kid and are therefore, hopefully, not ridiculed for choosing to dress as a care bear, or a witch, or a ghost.

H has wrestled with this decision this year. She is, after all, only 11.  Halloween has always been one of her favorite holidays BECAUSE of the costumes, and of course the candy. H and her friends would deliberate for weeks on their costumes. Should they dress as 1950's girls, sesame street characters or m&m's? We would make several trips to the Halloween costume store before a final decision was made. Sometimes returning and purchasing several costumes multiple times.

I am completely ok with that. I love Halloween too. In elementary school a whole day was devoted to it! There would be a parade, where all parents, grandparents and other assorted family members would gather midday and surround the school, cameras in hand. My husband would even take off work for this! After the parade, class parties ensued followed by the mad rush to dash home for trick-or-treating.

We are blessed to live in a neighborhood full of young families and children. Frankly, it is a zoo on Halloween but I love it. The kids rush home from school, wait for their friends and then gather in the street. Hopefully we get a picture before they run off.

My son, who is a freshman in high school now, has always dressed up with his friends.  Being cool was never an issue for him because he just enjoyed it and went with the flow. He's lucky that his friends are like that. They don't think they're too cool, they feel comfortable just enjoying themselves. Sometimes that takes more guts than trying to fit in - 'should I or shouldn't I, what will people think'.

I felt a little deflated when my daughter said she didn't really want to dress up. I know she is reacting to peer pressure - I know she wants to be a pink care bear. She waited to find out what her friends where doing before she made her decision.  Yes - she will be a pink care bear, and several of her other friends will be care bears of different colors. As much as she loved this costume, she never would have followed her heart unless her peers were on the same page. I'm sorry she feels that way, but I guess I remember how hard it was to fit in if you stepped out of the box.

I will choose to treasure my sweet pink care bear this year because next year she she may be too cool to dress up for halloween, and I'll just have to accept that.

The Graduation Class of 2016

At my son's high school open house last week, the principal referred to his class of 2016 as sounding very "sci fi". I have agree with that statement because while, yes it is 2012, 2016 seem eons away.  I know it's not, however.  I know it will sneak up on me frighteningly fast. J will be taking drivers ed, SATs and filling out college applications before I can blink. I can actually feel it coming. Like a train hurtling down the tracks at breakneck  speed - and I am like a deer in the headlights.  His childhood, adolescence, teenage years are going by at breakneck speed now. I'm just trying to keep up. 

Many of my friends already have kids in college or are in the application process now. I am familiar with the angst of this process.   Part of me is saying " start studying for your SATs! Study those vocabulary words!" My husband wants to to start teaching him to drive. 

I follow J on Instagram (still not completely understanding how it works!!). It gives me a little insight into his world outside of home. I want him to be independent and I know he is a very capable and trustworthy kid. 

I also want him to still hold my hand. God bless boys, they always love their mothers! At close to 5'10' he will still sometimes hold my hand, snuggles with me on the couch and actually wants to hang out with me.  I trust him enough to let him go (a little bit) but it breaks my heart a little too, each time he goes his own way.

I am praying that high school is good to him. That he finds his way, keeps and makes new friends, develops a sense of independence that will benefit him in college, and most of all develops a positive sense of self.  

I find it difficult as a mom to be unaware of what is going on in his life every moment. Like when he was little. I know he has to become an independent person, separate from his family.  He has to figure out who he is and what he wants to make of his life.  That's a tall order if you ask me. I'd be happy to assist him along the way.

SPOILER ALERT!

No H, there is no tooth fairy. My daughter H, has a very high loft bed, making it extremely difficult for the tooth fairy to reach under her pillow. Several months ago, upon losing a tooth, I told her to put it under her pillow.  Of course, she had to put it as far away from the outside of the bed as possible. Did I mention her bed is up against the wall? In order to access the tooth, said tooth fairy must climb up on a stool, shimmy arms through handrail, reach over sleeping child to far end of pillow and extract tooth in exchange for money (and possibly One Direction trading cards).

However, the female tooth fairy in the house is apparently not tall enough nor does not have the arm length needed to reach said tooth. Female tooth fairy asks male tooth fairy to do what he has to do before he goes to work (which is around 5:00 am). 

Oh dear, what happens next was quite devastating for mama bear.  H woke up while tooth fairy/daddy was reaching under her pillow! Needless to say, I was the only one who was crushed by the revelation that my daughter realized we were the tooth fairy.  It most definitely takes the fun out of her still losing her teeth. "No mom, it's ok, i don't need to put it under my pillow anymore." If that doesn't deserve a frowning face i don't know what does :(.

As I peruse the school calendar I am mourning the days my children no longer are privy to.  By those days I mean the half days for school conferences, the Halloween parades, the book fairs, the fun fairs, the family picnics.  I looked forward to these events with eager anticipation each year and we attended  them as a family, sometimes including grandparents as well. 

Forgive me for my indulgences into the world of elementary school.  I feel like my heart is still there and I am slowly trying to wean myself out. Of course my children are not there anymore and seem very happy to have moved on. My daughter recently informed me that middle school was much better than elementary school because she had more freedom. I completely understand that. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of her growing and changing and feeling that little bit of freedom. I remember it myself.  However... it was only a few months ago that she was still in 5th grade and telling me that she wasn't ready for middle school.  

She is adjusting much better than I ever imagined! She is on the cheer team so she doesn't get home until almost 6:00 on most days. She sits right down and starts her homework. That's quite a big change from the girl who came home cranky and throwing herself on the floor every other day for six years. Not that I miss that part. Ok, maybe I do a little. I just didn't know it would be so hard to see my baby growing up so fast.

Also, she might not want to dress up for Halloween! I'm devastated! Crushed! How could she not want to dress up for Halloween?!! Halloween is a pretty big deal in our town. My kids have worn costumes since they were babies. My son has always been into it and dressed up with his friends to trick-or-treat. Even in his first year in high school, he will come up with some kind of costume, as will his friends.

H, on the other hand has different groups of friends. Some who still like their dolls and will definitely dress up for Halloween and the other ones who think they are too cool.  I can see her wavering between the two. I don't want to lose my baby just yet!  No, I'm not ready to let go of dolls and Halloween costumes!  Please H - you are definitely not too cool to dress up, or play with dolls or still be a little girl!