No H, there is NO Santa Clause, because the Dutch invented him, or so said her social studies teacher. There is also no more American Girl dolls, Barbie dolls or stuffed animals on her Christmas list.  This year it’s makeup, Justin Beiber perfume and anything from Abercrombie.  God help me, where has my little girl gone?? She’s only 12! Why won’t she brush Julie’s hair anymore??

She has begun to spend more and more time in her room on her phone – texting, face timing and ‘Instagramming’ with her friends.  “She’s separating from you,” my friend says.  “She’s a teenager, what do you expect?” says another. (She’s not a teenager for 5 more months I say!!).

I used to call her my Velcro child because she rarely left my side for long. In fact, she was still my Velcro child until about a year ago – then I noticed she stopped hanging on me every second.  It sort of just happened – in the blink of an eye. She would rather be alone in her room mooning over Justin Beiber or hanging out with her friends. 

I absolutely understand it, having been her age myself.  You just get so used to something and then – boom! – it’s gone and you move into a new stage.  It happens all the time with children, they change and grow everyday, and we want to them to emerge from their childhood cocoons – yet I feel like I didn’t see this coming though.  I got sideswiped by the nasty attitude, the outright bitchiness (yes I said bitch), the excessive “I hate you’s” and “you ruined my life” proclamations that spew from her almost teenage mouth daily.  My sweet (and sometimes not so sweet) little girl is gone. My little girl is gone – period.  She doesn’t call me mommy anymore (too babyish), or walk anywhere near me in public (too embarrassing), and the suggestion of holding hands is met with perfectly plucked raised eyebrows followed by eye rolling.

Don’t get me wrong, I am immensely proud of the woman I see her becoming some day.  She is fiercely proud, smart, shrewd, honest, and honorable.  She is a loyal friend, devoted sister, and beautiful daughter – inside and out. 

I just hope I make through the next 6 years without being committed.

It has been several months since I last wrote on here. Six months to be exact. So much has happened between now and then I almost don't where to begin.  I felt at a loss after the horror at Sandy Hook elementary school in Newtown, CT.  How could I continue to write about the unfairness of my children growing up and leaving me, when 26 little lives will never see their next birthdays.  I felt so devastated for the insurmountable losses suffered by the families, that I couldn't bring myself to feel selfish about my own children.  Yes, I hugged them closer, I stared at them for endless moments when I thought they weren't looking, and every night I still check on them before I go to sleep.  

If I could keep them in a jar and never let them out into to the big bad world, I would. That is not exactly realistic, and we have to let them go, and fly, and learn to be themselves.  I don't have to like it though.  My premise behind this blog is that I am the mama bear, who keeps her children safe and warm. I protect them from predators, the big bad wolf, and anyone or thing that wants to hurt them.  But we can't keep them in a cave under our protection - we send them to school, we let them take the bus, they make plans with kids we don't know and we are somehow supposed to trust them.  They walk around town, or the mall, or hang out at the candy shop.  It is all part of growing up.  We just have to hope and pray that they come home to us safely every night.

Tonight my 11 year old went to her first boy-girl party.  I gave her the " if you feel uncomfortable at any time, text us and we'll come get you right away" speech.  She rolled her eyes and said "mom, we're only in sixth grade! You're too overprotective!"  I told her that that's the way it's going to be for her and her brother until they graduate high school. Deal with it - I love you.